i won't cry for you my mascara is too expensive

It was the 31th of May 2012, I can clearly remember. I was new to all of this social media sites and I must say I found it really boring and reading about a certain article whether gays have testicles was far more interesting. A guy started a chat with me, he was the brother of my sister’s friend and it felt so casual but weird, and thrilling at the same time because no guy has ever started an actual conversation with me like his really interested in stuffs about me and what I do. Eventually we would talk about each others interests and luckily we share the same love of KPOP (which was before because I left that fandom). We would often throw each other pick-up lines but not the cheesy ones but rather the ones that would hurt humorously like “Kanal ka ba?.....Kasi tanga lang mahuhulog sayo” and that heck of a sentence would surprisingly make my day.



After a few weeks of chatting online we met in an Evangelical Mission, it was a sturdy night. We got the chance to talk and I can’t help but be mesmerized while I look at his dark brown hazy round sparkling eyes. Then I thought maybe what differs him from the other guys was the spark I haven’t seen before. It’s not that its electrifying or anything, it’s the fact that we both thought it would be awkward talking there about nonsense and completely stupid things when we actually enjoyed every single moment of us talking (or is it just me enjoying the perfect moment?) and how we made complete sense to anything not worth talking for.

It’s somehow amazing how we both felt something special. Something’s there and it’s somehow enchanted. It was less than an hour conversation but it felt like I had that whole night in my hands. The sight of you smiling moved from my head to my heart. It captured me and caged my heart but it skyrocketed and it almost went out of my ribs. When I picture the human being I want to end up with I don’t think about how rich, smart or famous they are, or even if they have a good looking face, a clenching jaw line, perfect summer biceps and a toned six-pack abs (okay I’m basically describing my ideal man) but rather I picture the feeling I get when I’m with them. Fast forward, you admitted the next day that you like me, and like a typical puppy love story I admitted I like you to the next day. It was supposed to be a start of something real so I finally decided to comb my hair like twice a day and spend more money on making myself look like a real girl, I now shampoo everyday and I switched my odorless deodorants to lilac love scents. I was improving myself to look better in your eyes.

But things turned out differently and it seemed like a bad wind blowed on the moment and it finally took you from me. You started to shun me and I heard how you avoided talking about our non-existence, I heard how you avoided talking about the impossibility of us whenever our common friends would ask you about me. I like you so much that it scared me and it scared you too, I was paranoid at that time and I wished you just let me like you from a distance. I’m harmless and I’ll grow out of it soon I promise.

 Your words are so powerful to me they broke my soul into million pieces, but what I don’t understand was why do you have to tell the whole world how profusely in love I am with you. You never know didn’t you? You are so insensitive that you didn’t even think that your heartless way of talking about my pathetic crush on you would reach me. I can take a hint you know? There was really no need to be that harsh.

For my fairytale, I’m still happy I met you, for I know I’ll meet frogs before I end up with Prince Charming. It’s been 4 years now and even though I’m not the fullest percent over about you. I must say that I’ve seen part of the world and reality check; there are fishes that deserve my love, care and attention better than you do. Life has given me the downs and I met the possible worst monsters who almost ruined my life, I’m still doing fine and if I will ever meet you again I would damn make you realize how much of a loser you are for leaving me. But thanks to people like you who left and said no to me, it’s because of you I did it myself. You made me this strong, independent woman I am today and if you even come back or hurt me again I swear I won’t cry for you, my mascara is too expensive.